As most of you may know, September is National Suicide Prevention month. It raises awareness for those who either have committed suicide, attempted suicide, or have had thoughts of taking their own life. I have become very passionate about this movement as of late. Most people who know me don't know this, but I will admit it now: I have struggled with thoughts of self-harm and suicide. About a week ago, I shared a poem I wrote concerning one of my friends who has dealt with this type of issue. Today, I want to share my story.
It all started about my junior year of high school. But before I go into that, let me just say something first. Like most teenagers, I felt out of place. I was never a popular person at school, I was very insecure, self-conscious, and awkward (I still am sometimes), and I just felt sad most of the time, as well. So, when I was about 16, there was a medication I had to be put on due to some physical issues I had. While the medicine was helping me physically, it was messing with my brain to the point that I thought everybody hated me and would be better off without me. I continued to struggle with these thoughts until one night while I was with my youth group, I broke down. I needed help. I talked to my associate pastor's wife (whom I was meeting with for spiritual counseling at the time), and she told my parents that I was highly suicidal. My parents and I talked that night and suggested that possibly the medicine I was taking was a major contributing factor to me thinking these thoughts, so there was a mutual decision made for me to get off of the medication. Things gradually improved after that time. I wasn't as depressed for no reason as I was before. However, things changed a couple years afterward.
My sophomore year of college was hard for me. I guess part of it was adjusting back into college, but another part of it was that I had my own room for literally the first time in my life. (I share a room with my younger sister at home.) So, that was definitely a shock to me: to actually have my own space. It gave me the ability to be alone and think. But only a little too much. I had started to feel out of place again. Thoughts of insecurity that I had had before came back, only they seemed to be worse. Not only was I suicidal, but I had thoughts of cutting myself. There were several times that I very deeply contemplated the idea of harming myself this way. It even came to the point where I entertained these thoughts too much and absolutely felt the need to give the pair of scissors I had to my suitemate so that I wouldn't even be able to have the means of harming myself. But praise the Lord, I have not done this and by His grace, I pray that I never do.
There are times when I think, "What is the point of living anyway?" There have been times that I have thought, "I wonder if people would even care if I was gone." But then, deep down I know that there are so many people who care about me and love me for who I am, even though I am so messed up. But most importantly, the God of the universe loves me more than I can ever fathom. And because of this, I can live for Him and know that my life has a purpose far beyond what I could ever dream. Yes, it is hard to see what is ahead and there are times when I don't know what my specific purpose is in life. But this I know for sure: my life is not about me; it's all about God. He created me to glorify Him, and that is something worth living for.
In this month of September, I have chosen to write "love" on my arms in order to raise awareness for those who have hurt or are hurting in this way because it is very real and I have been there, too. And there are still times that I struggle like this, but this is why I have a passion to help those who struggle with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. I believe that God has allowed me to struggle with this so that I can help others who struggle, as well. He has given me a desire to work with troubled teens who go through this every day. At this point in my life, I believe that this is part of my specific calling: to point others to Christ through this struggle and show them that life truly is worth living because of Christ. Yes, we are sinners and we all fall. And for that we deserve to go to Hell and pay for our sins for all eternity. BUT, God sent His only Son, Jesus, to die a terrible death on a cross for you and me so that we would not have to pay that penalty that we completely deserve to pay (John 3:16; Rom. 5:8; Rom. 6:23). But, it doesn't end there. Jesus came back to life to conquer sin and death, and because of that, we can live with Him forever if we accept His free gift of eternal life (Rom. 10:9, 13; Eph. 2:8-9). We don't have to work for it. We don't have to live a perfect life to receive it. He offers it FREELY and pleads for us to come as we are: completely stained from our sin and broken. When we do that, He is the One Who picks us up and cleanses us from all of the wrong we have done against Him. He declares us as righteous, and there is forgiveness. There is absolutely nothing you can do that can separate you from God's love. He wants to save you today if you have not yet accepted Him as your Savior from your sins. And for those of you who are believers, there is victory through Christ with the struggles we face, and that is such an incredible promise!
Whether you have struggled in this area of depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or not, God still promises forgiveness and healing for those who will come to Him with their hurt. In Matthew 11: 28, Jesus says, "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
We don't have to face our battles alone. Our lives do have purpose. So, no matter what you're struggling with, God will put your broken pieces back together if you just simply come to Him...
It all started about my junior year of high school. But before I go into that, let me just say something first. Like most teenagers, I felt out of place. I was never a popular person at school, I was very insecure, self-conscious, and awkward (I still am sometimes), and I just felt sad most of the time, as well. So, when I was about 16, there was a medication I had to be put on due to some physical issues I had. While the medicine was helping me physically, it was messing with my brain to the point that I thought everybody hated me and would be better off without me. I continued to struggle with these thoughts until one night while I was with my youth group, I broke down. I needed help. I talked to my associate pastor's wife (whom I was meeting with for spiritual counseling at the time), and she told my parents that I was highly suicidal. My parents and I talked that night and suggested that possibly the medicine I was taking was a major contributing factor to me thinking these thoughts, so there was a mutual decision made for me to get off of the medication. Things gradually improved after that time. I wasn't as depressed for no reason as I was before. However, things changed a couple years afterward.
My sophomore year of college was hard for me. I guess part of it was adjusting back into college, but another part of it was that I had my own room for literally the first time in my life. (I share a room with my younger sister at home.) So, that was definitely a shock to me: to actually have my own space. It gave me the ability to be alone and think. But only a little too much. I had started to feel out of place again. Thoughts of insecurity that I had had before came back, only they seemed to be worse. Not only was I suicidal, but I had thoughts of cutting myself. There were several times that I very deeply contemplated the idea of harming myself this way. It even came to the point where I entertained these thoughts too much and absolutely felt the need to give the pair of scissors I had to my suitemate so that I wouldn't even be able to have the means of harming myself. But praise the Lord, I have not done this and by His grace, I pray that I never do.
There are times when I think, "What is the point of living anyway?" There have been times that I have thought, "I wonder if people would even care if I was gone." But then, deep down I know that there are so many people who care about me and love me for who I am, even though I am so messed up. But most importantly, the God of the universe loves me more than I can ever fathom. And because of this, I can live for Him and know that my life has a purpose far beyond what I could ever dream. Yes, it is hard to see what is ahead and there are times when I don't know what my specific purpose is in life. But this I know for sure: my life is not about me; it's all about God. He created me to glorify Him, and that is something worth living for.
In this month of September, I have chosen to write "love" on my arms in order to raise awareness for those who have hurt or are hurting in this way because it is very real and I have been there, too. And there are still times that I struggle like this, but this is why I have a passion to help those who struggle with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. I believe that God has allowed me to struggle with this so that I can help others who struggle, as well. He has given me a desire to work with troubled teens who go through this every day. At this point in my life, I believe that this is part of my specific calling: to point others to Christ through this struggle and show them that life truly is worth living because of Christ. Yes, we are sinners and we all fall. And for that we deserve to go to Hell and pay for our sins for all eternity. BUT, God sent His only Son, Jesus, to die a terrible death on a cross for you and me so that we would not have to pay that penalty that we completely deserve to pay (John 3:16; Rom. 5:8; Rom. 6:23). But, it doesn't end there. Jesus came back to life to conquer sin and death, and because of that, we can live with Him forever if we accept His free gift of eternal life (Rom. 10:9, 13; Eph. 2:8-9). We don't have to work for it. We don't have to live a perfect life to receive it. He offers it FREELY and pleads for us to come as we are: completely stained from our sin and broken. When we do that, He is the One Who picks us up and cleanses us from all of the wrong we have done against Him. He declares us as righteous, and there is forgiveness. There is absolutely nothing you can do that can separate you from God's love. He wants to save you today if you have not yet accepted Him as your Savior from your sins. And for those of you who are believers, there is victory through Christ with the struggles we face, and that is such an incredible promise!
Whether you have struggled in this area of depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or not, God still promises forgiveness and healing for those who will come to Him with their hurt. In Matthew 11: 28, Jesus says, "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
We don't have to face our battles alone. Our lives do have purpose. So, no matter what you're struggling with, God will put your broken pieces back together if you just simply come to Him...